Dealing with Discipline
Excerpted from “The Family Center Staff Handbook”

Parents and caregivers frequently talk about and are concerned with discipline — the hows, whys, and whens of setting limits and helping children learn self-discipline. The Family Center has a few guidelines for dealing with negative behavior that are in keeping both with our understanding of child development and with our philosophy.

Discipline helps children to cope with the challenges of daily living, interpret their world, and learn social skills.

Children at the Family Center are never allowed to hurt themselves or others. Expressing angry feelings physically leads to guilt feelings. Young children don’t yet understand that hitting hurts or that they should be “nice” or “polite.” They don’t understand that hitting, grabbing toys, throwing, and biting are not allowed.

Often we are tempted to have children say I’m sorry as a way of resolving a conflict or problem. Although it makes adults feel better to hear children say I’m sorry, helping the children find alternative things to do or say in expressing angry feelings is a more effective way of developing a conscience. You also help to build their consciousness by setting firm and consistent rules.

At different ages, behavior may mean different things. There are no hard or fast rules for handling situations. It’s important to look at the child’s developmental age and any extraneous circumstances that may influence the behavior before deciding how to respond to the action. Disciplining takes a lot of patience and practice!

Time Outs

We don’t use time outs in the traditional way. We don’t expect young children to understand why they need to sit apart for a specified period of time. It’s okay to remove a child from a situation saying, "You’re having a hard time doing so and so. Let’s find something else for you to do.” Teachers should make sure the child is well settled and involved before leaving him or her. The teacher can express dissatisfaction and explain more appropriate play. Often prevention is the best means of avoiding a potentially difficult situation. If the classroom environment is conducive to the children’s development, discipline problems occur less often.

Language

Children are encouraged to use words to express their feelings and to work out difficulties. Even the youngest children should be exposed to verbal problem-solving. Teachers should try to put a nonverbal child’s feelings into words: “You’re angry because [child] took you toy”; “That makes you sad”; “You are saying, ‘No, don’t hit me!’”

It’s important to show how physical acts can be expressed verbally. Needless to say, we never hit children or use any forms of physical punishment. It’s also important to allow children to express their feelings verbally no matter how negative they may sound. They quickly learn that words can hurt people’s feelings and they may need some help in working this out.

Biting

Young children are in what is known as the “oral” stage. Their first means of exploring and learning about their world is to put things into their mouths. When children become frustrated, angry, or upset they may resort to biting, a primary means of expression.

Biting is scary to both the biter and the victim. Children going through a stage of biting need close and constant supervision. We don’t want the biter to be labeled or get a bad reputation. It’s important to look at what’s going on in the child’s life.

Take these steps if a child is bitten:

• Make sure the victim is okay. Have another teacher wash, administer ice, and comfort the victim.
  Kneel in front of the biter and hold the child by the shoulders.
  
• Look into the child’s eyes and say, “I can’t let you bite”; “Biting hurts”; “We don’t hurt other people”.
• It makes me angry when you bite”; “It made [child] cry and feel sad when you bit”; “I’ll help you play so you don’t need to bite”.
  
• When appropriate for the children’s ages, bring the victim back to the biter. Have the victim tell the biter that he or she is angry and doesn’t like to be bitten. (The victim may not want to be near the biter immediately. That’s okay, too.)
  
• An adult should stay with the biter to help him or her not to bite again. The biter needs to feel safe from his or her own anger just as the victim needs to feel safe from the biter.

Grabbing Toys

Children who grab toys are not necessarily being bad or aggressive. They may not yet understand that they can’t have everything they see. Often they need help with the language needed to acquire the object. A child who grabs objects repeatedly may need help settling down to focus on play and may be indicating a need for adult attention.

Here are some guidelines for handling grabbing:

• Prevention is primary. It’s hard to determine the circumstances if you’re not watching. You know who the grabbers and biters are; watch them closely.
  
• Say, “You really want to play with the toy,” or “You’re angry because [child] is playing with the toy.”
  
• Try distraction with another toy or activity. Say “You can have it when [child] is finished.”
  
• Offer to do something special with the child.
  
• If the child throws a tantrum, say, “When you’re throug h crying we’ll find something for you to do,” or suggest something specific you can do together.
  
• Pick up the grabber, carry him or her out of the room, and wait until he or she calms down. Talk to the child reassuringly but firmly.
  
• If necessary, separate the two children physically.
  
• Help children develop problem-solving skills. Say, “It looks as if you both want that toy. What should we do about it?” Sometimes their solution works because they thought of it themselves. It also teaches them to use words to solve problems.

Things to Think About

What does discipline mean to you personally?
How do you respond when children disobey you? Are you permissive or authoritative? Think back to your own childhood and how you were disciplined for insights.
Decide where you stand on important issues and stick to it. Consistency is a key to positive discipline.
Pick your fights
Set clear, consistent, and reasonable rules
Help children gain self-control
Don’t expect children to behave like adults or even older children
Children need to learn about boundaries, what is safe, and what is allowed. They need help learning to organize their time and energy.
Strategies:

• Distracting
  
• Negotiating
  
• Ignoring
  
• Anticipating
  
• Setting rituals
  Advance preparation:
  
• Offer limited choices: “Do you want me to help with your coat, or do you want to do it yourself?” not “Do you want your coat on?” (Put the choice you want them to pick last — after the word “or.”)
  
• Set up rituals to give the children a sense of control. Then they know what to expect. Use face-saving demands, not ultimatums: “You have to put the toys away before you have a snack.”
  
• Avoid carrying on fruitless or frustrating arguments.
  
• Prepare the children in advance for what will happen next. (“We’ll read two books, then put on our coats.” ) This often avoids conflicts.
  
• Motivation: “Where does your coat go?” rather than "Hang up your coat."
  
• Sometimes picking up an offender and removing the child is the only remedy.