Things to Remember about Good-byes
by Amy Flynn

Think about your own feelings and experiences with saying good-bye

Children learn about saying good-bye from you. It is important for you to reflect on your own style of saying good-bye. It may be helpful to try to remember what it was like for you to say good-bye to parents or loved ones. It is okay to cry and feel sad when you say good-bye to children.

Developing trust and a working relationship with the child’s school and caregiver makes saying good-bye easier

Children look to you for cues about the world. If they see that you are feeling worried or unsure about leaving they will most likely have a harder time saying good-bye. Take the time to get to know your child’s teacher or caregiver. It is best to phase them in slowly to school or time with a new caregiver. This will not only give your child time to adjust, but it will also give you time to get to know the person who will be taking care of your child. It is always hard to leave when children are crying, but if you trust that the person you’re leaving them with can take care of them, it will make it easier.

Learning to deal with separation is a lifelong process and not a one-time event

We are saying good-bye to people, things, and routines throughout our life. Your child’s experience and age will affect how he or she will say good-bye and deal with separation. How your child says good-bye will change as your child moves through different developmental stages. External events such as a parent on a business trip, a new sibling, or even a bad morning may affect the way your child says good-bye. A good separation doesn’t always mean there will be no tears.

Children’s reactions to separation may take many forms

As your child starts school or has a new caregiver, he or she may react by sulking, withdrawing, being aggressive, being oppositional, regressing, or having sleep disturbances. Children may have mixed feelings, like being angry or sad, or grieving. Starting school may also be exciting for a child and scary at the same time.

Reuniting at the end of the day is the flip side of saying good-bye

Sometimes children react just as strongly to reuniting as they do to saying good-bye. A child may not react at all at the good-bye but let you see anger or sadness when you return. This is normal and should be dealt with in much the same way as saying good-bye, by establishing routines and validating your child’s feelings.

About the Author

Amy Flynn is the Director of the Bank Street Family Center. She has an M.S. in Early Childhood Special Education and an M.Ed in Supervision and Administration from Bank Street College. She has been published in Sesame Street Parent Magazine and has been interviewed for a number of articles for Child Magazine and Nickelodeon Jr. Magazine. She has also done video conferences for SUNY Training Program and worked as a learning coach and training specialist for the Hilton Early Head Start Special Quest Training Project.